Gay on the dl
Home / gay topics / Gay on the dl
“My wife would divorce me and try to take my kids away, my family would literally disown me and I would become a social outcast. Gaydar culture: Gay men, technology and embodiment in the digital age. Someone that is afraid to let the world know that they have sex with their homeboys.
Homeboy 1: "Man I like what we really did last night!
MMWR. On the down low: A journey into the lives of “straight” Black men who sleep with men. By the 1990s, it specifically referred to Black men who lived heterosexual lives outwardly but had same-sex encounters in secret.
It is important to note that “DL” identity emerged in Black American communities in the 1990s, a period marked by widespread stigma, the AIDS crisis, and violence and intense discrimination against gay people—pressures that were often intensified for queer Black men due to cultural and historical factors.
“I’ve always been scared to death that someone would find out about my secret. Headlines in The New York Times and USA Today blamed DL men for rising HIV rates among Black women. “But, unfortunately, I’m just not in a position where I can be out in the open about it.”
Brown was raised in a very religious and conservative family that has zero tolerance for being gay or bisexual.
But her article also probed how high levels of poverty, incarceration, institutional racism and an overall sense of socioeconomic fragility had put an unrealistically high premium on the notion of Black masculinity, which left little room for Black men to be openly gay and bisexual.
At the story’s end, the straight Black HIV counselor Tony Wafford asked: “When we look at people with HIV, why do we need to worry about ‘Was she or he a ho, a faggot or whatever?’ Maybe they’re just a hurt human being who needs you to help them.”
In 2010, King returned to Winfrey’s show and, with his ex-wife by his side, shared, “I have accepted the fact that I am a Black, gay, proud man.” His announcement was met with applause.
During her acceptance speech, Winfrey shared that her older brother, who was gay, had died 35 years ago of an AIDS-related illness.
Monetisation of ‘DL’ Identity on Grindr and Other Apps
On gay dating apps, masculinity (including the promise or performance of it) remains a key driver for visibility and responses, with profiles highlighting traits like “masc,” “rugged,” or “dom” seeing strong engagement.
Research on Grindr3 and similar apps reveals users leverage these identities (“masc,” “dom,” or “DL”) to increase visibility.
He was appearing on the show and publishing the book, he said, to warn Black women that they might not know their men as well as they thought and that they should be aware they were at risk of contracting HIV.
“If I was a gay man, I may want to have a relationship with another man and play house, but when you’re on the DL, all you want is to have sex,” he told Winfrey.
Users often do this to attract those drawn to “straight-passing” archetypes.
Common tactics include:
- Inventing a “DL Look”: Masculine markers like “masc only, no fems” or stereotypical outfits (e.g., tracksuits, balaclavas) to appeal visually.
- Negotiating Availability: Setting limits (“strictly DL”) to avoid commitment or assert control.
- Evading Identity: Claiming distance from the “gay scene” as a point of distinction.
- Self-Marketing: Using DL for visibility in low-risk areas.
- Segregation Tool: Employing the persona to define hierarchies and monopolise the meaning of being “out” and “not”, an approach viewed as exploitative.
The DL persona often projects the “straight-passing mystique,” expressed through behaviours like appearing publicly only with women or straight friends, engaging in straight-coded hobbies, or adopting mannerisms that blend seamlessly into heteronormative spaces—traits that many gay men find alluring and sexually desirable.
Is DL losing relevance in gay dating culture?
While the “DL” (down‑low) tag and other “discreet” labels remain common on apps like Grindr, their appeal feels like it’s waning in some queer circles, especially among Gen Zs.
Platform data still shows strong use of discreet and DL‑adjacent tags and steady engagement, but some users report growing fatigue with the hype.
Social chatter from 2024–25 — viral X, Reddit and TikTok threads, commentaries, and community debates — frames DL behaviour more often as risky, flaky, or performative than desirable, especially in progressive cities.
Virtual intimacies: Media, affect, and queer sociality. In the 20 years since the DL furor, vast swaths of the Black community, especially younger generations, have come out as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, nonbinary or otherwise queer. In 2019, 57% of Black adults—just shy of 61% among white adults—said same-sex marriage was good for society.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2640641/
Critics called this coverage stigmatising and inaccurate.
Broadway Books. By adopting a “DL look” or persona, performers position themselves as an “exclusive prize.”
For those seeking DL‑labelled partners, the pursuit can offer a temporary ego boost and a sense of status that openly gay connections may not provide, turning the interaction into a transactional exchange that ignores the label’s original cultural and historical significance.
However, individuals living “on the DL,” and who are in fact homosexual or bisexual, often show no distinguishing traits that would lead someone to believe they were anything but a straight man.
“As long as you don’t act like a flaming queen, have an obvious switch in your walk or use excessive hand gestures when you talk, no one really questions your sexuality,” says Brown.
Brown says he isn’t proud of living the way he does and wishes he was able to be open about his sexual proclivities but is just too frightened of the possible repercussions that he feels certain would follow.
“If I came out of the closet now, my entire life would be over,” says Brown.
As Winfrey showed empathy but also a certain skepticism that King was anything but plain old gay, King confessed his own history of DL sex with men while living with a wife he said he loved deeply and considered a best friend. King on Oprah, was once on "The DL."
by Shanalya Emiglaiman April 29, 2006